I'm not proud...

I came into this world a small bundle of self-replicating bio-chemical material whose genetic origins can be largely traced back to the Scandinavian regions of Northern Europe. Approximately 81% of said self-replicating bio-chemical material coming from the central regions known as Norway and Sweden. The rest comes from the surrounding "pasty regions" of Europe where 10,000 or so years ago, people thought freezing to death would be a fun test of the theory of evolution.

This several pound bundle of carbon based life which would ultimately become me came screaming into this world in Minneapolis, Minnesota, so this combination of former Viking DNA massed in the form of a human baby was hardly surprising to anyone. There were a lot of people of this particular genetic chemical composition in the area. They were constantly combining their DNA to create new and interesting variations on this classic chemical formula.

As time passes in largely subjective and relativistic terms, it becomes apparent that the parent with the Norwegian genetic material possessed more of the dominant genes than the Swedish descended contributor, so this mass of carbon based life grew up exhibiting more traditionally Norwgeian genetic features than Swedish features. This bundle of billions of cells shared a lot of the same genetic traits with its older sibling who was born of very much the same self-replicating genetic goop, but with some subtle but noticeable differences as is the want and whim of deoxyribonucleic acid.

Minneapolis the city, and Minnesota the state are artificially defined areas in the North Central part of the North American continent. This human defined region is bordered to the West, South, and East by other artificially defined, limited geographical areas that contribute to the larger landmass known as the United States of America. To the North, it is bordered by another large artificially defined landmass possessed of its own national sovereignty and happens to be called Canada by (most of) its residents.

Taken in a cosmic perspective, this bundle of self-replicating chemical mass is functionally nothing and inhabits a place that is basically nowhere.... nowhere compounded by being in the middle of nowhere.

This bundle of self-replicating cells increased in mass while the spinning ball of minerals, liquids, and gases succumbed to the gravitational pull of the nearest giant mass of exploding gases around which it did laps approximately once every 365 times that it made a complete rotation on its slightly tilted axis.

This lapping the giant ball of exploding gas happened approximately 3.5 times before the self replicating mass of chemicals learned to process seemingly arbitrary scratches of symbols on sheets of pressed, fibrous, former tree life as a form of communication between one bipedal carbon based life form and another. After approximately 5 laps, the now sentient mass of largely carbon and water, was put into daily contact with other lifeforms that had experience roughly as many laps as it had and they all exercised their neural pathways to better understand the symbols on former tree life along with the vibrations that came out of the hole where all similar carbon based lifeforms would cram chemical nutrients into themselves. Six or so more laps around the exploding ball of gas with intense mass and this mass of carbon and water would start arranging these symbols onto former tree life of its own accord to increase the flow of a chemical known as dopamine within its cranial cavity.

A couple more laps and this particular mass of self-replicating molecules would read a compendium of symbols on tree matter by another bipedal carbon based life that was recognized the entire ball of water, mineral, and gases over as Douglas Adams. This increased its dopamine levels immensely.

Several more laps and the self-replicating bundle amassed enough activity in its neural pathways to understand that... IT SHOULD JUST FUCKING WRITE SIMPLY BECAUSE HE IS NOT FUCKING DOUGLAS ADAMS!

This started off as an exercise in writing like... you guessed it... Douglas Adams.

And just what in the holy hell was I trying to get out of such an exercise? Well... I wanted to explore a list of things I'm not proud of... not that the things on the list are things I'm ashamed of, it's just that there are things of which pride is just not warranted.

For example. I'm stuffed full of Norwegian and Swedish genetic material. This makes me neither Norwegian nor Swedish. I was born in Minnesota! Raised in California. Lived most of my life in Seattle. I'm proud of none of that. Why? Those are incidental aspects of what makes me, me.

I'm made of Scandinavian genetic material by pure chance. There's nothing to be proud of there. I'm not proud of my roots in Minnesota because again... chance. California? Chance.

I did make the conscious choice to move to Seattle and have carved out an enjoyable and I think substantive life here. I'm proud of accomplishments on my part, accomplishments of friends and family... not of circumstances that are essentially not of my own making.

The ultimate point... I'm a cis, hetero, white guy. Nothing to be proud of. Pure chance. In today's society, a lucky stroke of chance for sure, but nothing to be proud of.

So...

You can shove your straight pride parade straight that genetically determined region of your body that the process of evolution (Sorry, anthropomorphism and teleology) provided for you to excrete excess waste material from your body.

More bluntly... shove your unwarranted celebration of raw genetic chance up your lily white poop shoot!

#fuckstraightpride