To meat or not to meat

I can only remember being spanked once in my childhood. And that must have been when I was 4 or 5... because I refused to eat the cube steak mom had made for dinner. Hoooo boy did that make dad angry!

I've never been a big meat eater. Never enjoyed a properly cooked chunk of whole meat. Never. It literally triggers my gag reflex. Always has. For years I'd try... to make other people happy, but the result was always the same... gagging. Grind it up, slow cook it, braise it... so that it falls apart simply by looking at it and I'll probably enjoy it.

I started swimming competitively when I was 8. Several hours a day after school 5 days a week for 50 of 52 weeks a year. I was becoming a pretty decent swimmer by age 10. By that point, my workouts were nothing like they would be in about 3-4 years, but I was burning far more calories per day than your average 10 year old.

One night, I get home from practice. I'm STARVING! Guess what's on the dinner table. CUBE STEAK! The meat equivalent of a tire.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT! After a couple miles of workout, the last thing I want to eat is a slab of meat that has an all weather rating.

"Do we have anything else?" I ask.

Dad replies, "It's what we're having. If you don't like it, tough. Cook for yourself!"

I look to mom. "How do you cook pasta, mom?"

Dad is pissed! Mom shows me how to cook pasta. I'm a little shocked that it took me to age 10 to learn such a simple thing. We have some Ragu or similar terrible sauce and I heat it up.

I had spaghetti with marinara for dinner that night. Much better.

By this point, we'd learned that I had a severe shellfish allergy and a general allergy to seafood. Shellfish made... heh made... makes me vomit for about 2 days. I've had this allergy for so long that I literally do not know what I'm missing.

So, age 10... I'm not a big meat eater and I can't eat seafood without getting sick. This is very confusing to Midwestern parents.

I start cooking more and more. I'm still eating meat when it's prepared in a fashion I enjoy. I'm largely eating a vegetarian diet though. Not through any conscious choice on my part, but because it's how I preferred eating for the most part.

This doesn't go over well at family gatherings. Somehow my desire to not gag or get violently ill is seen as inconsiderate and rude.

Then, summer of 1989. I'm 17. No longer swimming. I'm in Minsk, Belarus on a 3 week trip through the USSR. We're eating very poorly. The state run hotels had atrocious food! One day, I'm served a plate of thickly sliced beef tongue.... it's gray. Like 18% "calibrate your light meter" gray. Zone 5 gray. Seattle on an average November day gray.

BIG FUCKING NOPE! No way! I'm done. I'm a vegetarian.

Well, that same summer in 1989, mom, dad, and I visited our family in rural Minnesota. We have a big dinner at grandma and grandpa's. All the cousins and aunts and uncles are there. I'm not worried about what I'll eat because it's summer in Minnesota and the produce is plentiful and fucking delicious! Especially the sweet corn. Holy shit the Minnesota sweet corn!

Dinner that night is a pot roast. A super rare, bloody pot roast. It smells amazing, but I can just feel my gag reflex getting ready as it comes to the table. Mashed potatoes are passed around. Yup. Steamed green beans with butter and lemon pepper. Yup. Corn on the cob. Oh hell yeah! Pot roast comes to me, I pass it on without saying a word.

An aunt sees this and says, "You're not having any pot roast?"

Meekly I say, "Thank you, but no. I don't eat meat." Mom and dad shuffle in their seats.

One cousin blurts out, "What?! Are you gay?"

It's very awkward. What's worse? Politely declining a piece of meat, or sucking it up, taking a piece of the pot roast and then running to the bathroom because you suddenly need to puke? I opt for not puking.

Grandma is very confused. Granpda looks at me. Looks at all the food. Looks at me again.

"You're going to eat 6 ears of corn then. I don't want you to starve!" he says.

"You got it!"

As tasty as it was, I don't suggest eating 6 ears of corn on the cob.

It was an awkward evening for sure.

I would eat a vegetarian diet for the next 8 years, with 3-4 of those being sanctimoniously judgmental about it. Like modern day vegan judgmental about it. I drove my brother crazy!

I hit the age of 21 or 22 and calm down about it all.

After the age of 18, I'm associating with people who are generally like-minded. Dietary choices aren't a big deal or much of a topic of conversation. People just ate the way they ate and we lived our lives.

I think it was 1997. I was drunk drunk drunk with Josh. We went to Dick's on Broadway. I simply couldn't resist the smell of the burgers. I had to try one, so I had my first cheeseburger in almost 8 years.

HOLY HELL I LOVED IT!

So, I started eating a bit of meat again. More chicken and turkey than anything else because I always liked that. But now I was eating the occasional burger.

In my late 20s and early 30s I meet a lot of people from the Balkans and more Slavic regions of Europe. Most of them really love meat. The bloodier the better. We become fast friends.

Suddenly, people who very proudly eat meat on the regular are part of my life again. They don't get my very picky dietary choices. Largely, I voice no opinion on their dietary choices, but my choices are once again a source of ridicule. I'm older now, so I give far fewer fucks than I did at 18.

THEN! THEN! In my late 30s I start meeting a lot of cooks! Now I'm surrounded not only by people who are fanatic about meat with every meal, but now I have people in my life who can describe what I'm missing with a lot of technical precision.

So here I am in my late 40s. My wife is a pescatarian. I have the occasional burger or pepperoni pizza. Overall, we eat vegetarian at home. We're both happy with it. We both enjoy the dietary choices we've made.

Still, I have the ongoing, let's call it a discussion about meat. Honestly, I don't care at all about your dietary choices. Eat what you want to eat. Vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, gluten free, kosher, halal, carnivore, omnivore. I really just don't give a shit.

My dietary choices are not a source of pride or some sort of reflection of my identity. I eat largely vegetarian with the occasionally well done, cured, braised, or slow cooked meat. I like it that way.

I have some friends who like to try and convince me to try their diet of choice and get defensive when I decline in favor of my diet of choice. Like what you like and allow me to like what I like. We'll all get along nicely.